


Missing scenes

by Amelinasa



Category: The Brave (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-03-22 17:41:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13769208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amelinasa/pseuds/Amelinasa
Summary: Missing moments obviously. Mainly Jalton just because.





	1. 1X10

**Author's Note:**

> I’m just the biggest fan of the Brave! The best tv show ever, with an amazing cast! The first season was too short and I keep crossing fingers and everything for a season 2!  
> I hope you’ll like this one shot! I’m French, so my English isn’t perfect, I apology for the mistakes you might find XD  
> Remember, comments are life   
> Enjoy and take care!

« Okay, what just happened ? » asked Amir, pacing nervously in the room he shared with the rest of the team.

Top had just dismissed them for the night, while he kept listening again and again to Jaz’s directions. 

Amir didn’t understand how they had been allowed to stay, he didn’t understand how they were allowed to ignore the protocol, he didn’t understand why Top, who used to be the calm in the storm, looked completely haunted. Of course, Amir cared about Jaz, but in his years undercover, he had learnt to compartmentalize, to keep his emotions in check. And Top had seemed to be a master chief in this field. Until earlier, when Jaz had been taken. Since then, he seemed to be another man, much darker, much broken, flinching every time they heard Jaz being hit, yet keeping listening to her voice.

As his teammates didn’t answer, he stopped and sat in the nearest bed to look at them. McG was checking his supplies, his shoulders tense and a frown on his face, while Preach was laying in his bed and was staring at the old ceiling above them.

“Come on guys! We are compromised!”

Preach sat down and rubbed his face with his hands. McG looked up at Amir and snorted.

“You’re supposed to be the observant one, bro!”

Amir looked confused. He wasn’t stupid, he knew how much everybody cared about Jaz, and he knew how much Dalton felt responsible of his team.

“Amir, you know, we don’t usually leave anyone behind if we can help it… We’re a family…” started Preach.

“I know that, and believe me, I would give anything to get Jaz back… But, this? This is suicide! And you know it! We can’t jeopardize everything our country is fighting for, even for family!”

McG shook his head and kept rummaging in his bag. Preach put his elbows on his knees.

“Look, we know what protocol is. We know we are supposed to leave. Even if it breaks my heart. But do you really think Top would come with us?”

Amir sighed. He knew the answer; Top’s attitude had been quite obvious.

“We’re supposed to… I don’t know, we’re not supposed to let our emotions get the better of us…”

“Emotions are what make us fight every day to protect our values…”

McG snorted again but didn’t say a word. Amir knew that Jaz was like his sister, and it was hard for him too. But Top… He had never seen him like that. Preach kept talking quietly.

“We all love Jaz, she’s like our little sis, almost like a daughter to me… But what’s between her and Top… It’s strong, powerful. It’s what many people keep their life looking for…”

Amir wasn’t blind. He had noticed the deep connection from his very first day. But he still couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that his CO was losing control over something he was supposed to be prepared for. Risks came with the job. Death too.

“He would never come with us, he would go dark. He’ll never leave this country without Jaz… It would destroy him…”

McG stopped to look at Amir, daring him to criticize in any way.

“I’ve known Top for ten years, for ten years, I’ve seen him losing people, I’ve seen him avoiding any connection of any kind. But with Jaz, it has always been different. It will always be different. She’s the only one getting through his walls, without even trying. The bond they share… He had never looked at anyone like he looks at her. But he knows he’s our CO, and we agree that it had never been an issue, right?”

Amir nodded. He couldn’t deny that, despite their connection, they had always been nothing but professional on the field. Not letting anything clouding their judgement. And that was precisely why he didn’t understand what was happening now with their captain.

“He would do it for any of us, fighting to stay, you know?”

“I’m used to see him collected…” 

“Yeah, I definitely don’t know how you managed all these years undercover” muttered McG, teasingly though.

“He may look collected, but there is always a storm inside his head when it’s about the safety of his team. But now, with Jaz gone, the storm is in his heart. He would fight for any of us, but if Jaz doesn’t make it, there is no coming back for him.”

Amir sighed. It was a living nightmare.

“You’re a good soldier Amir, you have nothing to prove… None of us would judge you if you decided to leave…” said Preach.

“I would!” replied McG. “Okay, just kidding, felt like lightening the mood” he added, while Preach rolled his eyes at him.

Amir looked at them, shocked.

“I’m not leaving! I’m with you, I may disagree, but I’m with you no matter what…”

Then he mumbled.

“Love sucks…”

McG chuckled.

“Copy that bro!”

“I can’t wait to see you falling in love! Marrying and all that stuff…”

The three men laughed at that. Then, the weight of their situation rushed back in their mind.

“He’s not going to sleep, is he?”

Preach shook his head.

“He told me once that staying awake when the situation turns dramatic is the only way to push away the nightmares that would assault him if he was asleep… He won’t be able to sleep, even if he wanted to…”

They all knew that they were going to struggle to fall asleep too. They were safe, in a bed, while Jaz was probably going through hell. The thought made them sick. Top was probably going crazy with this idea.

“Okay then… Let’s get some rest… We’ll have to be ready!” 

Preach nodded at Amir and laid back down. The night was going to be very long.


	2. 1X10 part 2

He was unsettled. And the feeling was foreign to him. He didn’t know how to handle it. He was supposed to be the one to keep his mind clear, he was supposed to be the voice of reason, he was supposed to put protocol before anything else. He had already gone sideway sometimes, but the mission had always been the main purpose. 

He couldn’t deal with the heart wrenching feeling, the overwhelming anger, the infuriating helplessness. He was used to compartmentalize, and now, every emotion he used to push away was rushing, spinning out of control. He wanted to yell, to punch the wall until the physical pain would erase the emotional one.

Jaz was supposed to be safe. She was indestructible, invincible; she was a ninja for god’s sake! 

During their three years as teammates, he had never been that terrified. He had already been afraid for her safety, like for each member of the team. But he had never seen her like someone vulnerable. Even when Elijah had fallen in her arms, dead, he had never thought of how it could have easily been her shot dead before his very eyes.  
He couldn’t, it was pointless and he had to stay focused. He realized now how a foul he had been. 

She wasn’t unbreakable; she was made of flesh and blood, just like anyone else. He had lied to himself by pretending that nothing could kill her. It was easier that way; it was keeping him from thinking too much about how he felt about her. The first clue about how blind he had been was when he had tried, not so subtly, to stop her from going after Jarif. His gut was telling him to give up the mission and to take all his team back home, especially Jaz. Patricia’s words kept ringing in his ears… “You will not be recognized by the American government.” He knew the job, it was the protocol, and he had never been bothered by it. So why was he so angry? He had meant it when he had told Hussein about Jaz and her abilities. But what chances did she have against a whole army? 

He would never forget the fear in her eyes when the G-wagon was taking her away in the garage. It was tearing him apart. Jaz knew the protocol and was probably thinking that she was going to die, tortured and alone. The thought was unbearable and it made him inhale sharply. 

“Adam…”

Hussein was watching him carefully. Adam had tried to ignore his friend, not because he wanted to, but because he knew that Hussein was aware of what Jaz was going to go through. And he didn’t want to acknowledge it. He was almost losing his mind, thinking about what they might be doing to her was hard enough, but hearing it from a man who had witnessed it would be worse somehow.

“Adam… I can see you care about your teammate… But you should probably consider…”

“No.” Adam snapped.

He took a deep breath, rubbing his face with both his hands. His head, his eyes, everything hurt. He didn’t know what time it was, but the exhaustion was nothing compare to the ache in his chest.

“I can’t…”

He cleared his throat when his voice broke. 

“She’s alive… I have to get her back, we have to save her…”

“I know my friend… But what if it’s too late?”

Adam swallowed. Of course, it was a possibility, he had thought about it, and he knew his teammates had thought about it too. It was the main reason for him not sleeping. The image of a lifeless body would torment him. Jaz was the opposite of lifeless. She was bold, fierce, funny, sharp, strong, she laughed and fought like she lived. Fully, and to the point.

“We’re not coming back without her… I’m not… Whatever happens…”

He didn’t forget he was the CO. While together they were stronger and the best of the special operation groups, he would make them go back if things went sideways. He would stay however. The idea of leaving the country without Jaz was too much to bear. It was just unimaginable. But they had to try once at least, she was worth it, she was worth everything to him.

He was her CO, he would never admit his feelings, hell, he didn’t even understand them, but at that very moment, he didn’t care. He had seen the glances, the exchanged looks between Preach, McG and Amir. Preach knew, of course, with his “preachy” way to read people’s mind. Adam didn’t care. Patricia was offering him a cover by allowing him to stay, he owed her. 

“Then I’ll do what I can to help you… I didn’t get a happy ending; I’ll help you get one… “

Adam chuckled dryly. Happy wasn’t a part of his vocabulary since he was a kid. 

Until three years ago. 

It was snowing, which occurred rarely in this part of Turkey. He had just put together a new team, he already knew Preach, his friend of almost ten years, McG and Elijah. He knew Jaz’s file of course, but when a tiny young woman had stumbled in the basement during a snow storm, wrapped up in the longest red scarf he had ever seen, he had been thrown by her eyes, the only part of her he could actually see. Deep, sharp, and hard. The eyes of someone who had already seen too much. The bond had been immediate, much to Preach delight. She had seen too much but kept laughing every time she could. And she made him laugh, and smile. More than usual. It was like some light had touched an unknown part of his heart which craved for a connection. 

“Adam, I can see how special she is to you my friend, you’ve changed, you looked happier, and I’m happy for you. Life is too short to ignore your heart…”

He didn’t answer. What was the point of denying? Hussein didn’t work for the American army and wasn’t technically a part of the team. Adam didn’t know how he felt. Love was foreign to him, a long forgotten memory; drown in a life of hardships. The word scared him. But he knew there was something he wasn’t supposed to feel.

“The idea of her dead… It makes me sick… More than usual…” he said shakily.

Hussein nodded but waited for him to pursue.

“I’m the CO… I made her do it, she went because of me, because I blamed her for the missing shot…”

“You were angry…”

“I was… I was worried… Going of the book can be lethal in a country like this… It’s my fault…”

“It’s not… You gave her a choice, she made her decision… Top, I know what I said about my daughter…”

Adam kept his eyes on the screen in front of him. 

“Jaz is a soldier… You told me she’s tough… She’ll survive, and I’ll be there to help all of you as much as I can…”

“Thank you… “

Hussein nodded, and stood to go to sleep. He knew there was no point telling Top to sleep too.

Adam remained still for a few minutes. Then, he pushed the button and closed his eyes, while her voice filled his ears.

“A droite…”


	3. 1x10 / 1x11

When she was a kid, she didn’t know that parents were supposed to take care of their children.   
Not until one day at school, when she was seven, maybe eight. Her teacher had asked them to write their daily routine and to read their text to the class. Jaz had written her routine. How she had to stay quiet so that her mother could sleep, how she had to fix her own meals, how she had to hide whenever her father showed up. It was her routine, the only one she knew, made of fear and pain and darkness. 

When the other students had started reading their text, she had realized how wrong she had been. Their routine was made of home-made cakes, of parents helping them with their homework, of toys and baseball in the garden. How could she have known? At school, she didn’t have any friends and didn’t talk a lot. She was smaller, thinner and the other kids usually ignored her. Once, a boy had pushed her, just to make his friends laugh. She had punched him straight in the face. It was the first and only time her father had seemed proud of her.

When it had been her turn to read her text, she had been unable to do it, suddenly terrified. Her teacher had seen that something was wrong and had come to pick up the text. She had looked upset while reading silently, but she hadn’t said a thing, not to her, not to anyone. Not that day, not ever. Jaz had learnt that same day, that adults couldn’t be trusted and that no one would ever come to rescue her.  
But her team had come to save her.

Even when Top had cradled her head in his steady hands, she had thought it was a hallucination. She was dehydrated, and in shock, it wouldn’t be strange for her mind to make her see things that weren’t actually real. She knew the protocol; they were supposed to be far away from Iran, she had made peace with the idea of dying protecting her country and her guys. 

And now, in the military hospital, she had to deal with the idea of being alive. It was the strangest feeling, as if her mind had been ready to die before her body had given up. While they were torturing her, it had been as if she had escaped her own body, as if she had been floating somewhere in the room, watching herself being cut and screaming with pain. She had always thought that she would die in the field, something fast and clean, a bullet in the heart or in the head.

But she was alive. 

They had come after her. Her guys had defied the protocol and any military rule to rescue her. She couldn’t wrap her mind around the idea that they were ready to die and to lose their job to save her. She didn’t know when they had become her guys. Preach and his unsettling wisdom, McG, who was like the big brother she never had, even Amir and his kindness. And Top. Adam. Dalton. He had many names, depending on who was talking to him. He was mostly Top to her. She knew their bond went beyond any other bond in the group. And probably beyond any bond allowed by the military rules. For one tenth of a second, she had thought he was dead, tortured and killed by the Iranian army. It had been the longest one tenth of a second of her life. The picture had dug an abyss in her soul, even knowing that it was a setup.

Top was very much alive. She could feel his eyes on her. He was standing in the doorway, staying out of the way of the medics, but refusing to let her out of his sight. McG was briefing the doc who was going to take over. Jaz didn’t understand what they were saying; she couldn’t even focus on their words. There were too many things spinning in her head, too many thoughts, too many emotions. Healing was going to be a long process, physically and emotionally. And she didn’t like it one bit.

“Hey, Jaz, how are you feeling?”

McG took her hand gently and offered her a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“I’m fine…” she whispered back.

Her voice was hoarse from screaming in pain.

“You’re not, Jaz. You have broken ribs, cuts and bruises… We need your help so that we can take care of you, you have to tell me if something is wrong…”

“You mean besides having been tortured?” She asked, smiling tentatively, and then flinching when her split lip began bleeding again.

McG chuckled.

“Okay, touché!”

She felt him before she saw him. Top came at the other side of the bed and took her other hand. She probably would have been surprised if she hadn’t been that exhausted. He kept staring at her with concern. She searched his eyes, not sure about what she was looking for. His eyes had always been much older than he actually was. But right now, in this hospital room, he looked haunted.

“Don’t look at me like that, you should have seen the other guy…” 

The joke didn’t make them laugh, or even smile. She blinked. Top’s face was starting to blur.

“I… I’ll be… Be fine…”

Her words were starting to slur. Jaz was fading. She had tried to ignore the pain in her abdomen, after all, she had been beaten up, pain was normal. But it was increasing and there were dark spots in her vision. Still, she didn’t miss the frown of McG, nor the deep concern on Top’s face.

“McG, what’s going on?”

“I don’t know! Jaz, do you hear me? Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Jaz tried to focus, but the pain became unbearable. She let out a sound between a moan and a cry when someone touched her abdomen. McG cursed while the monitors begun beeping erratically. The room filled with medics and nurses.

“Sir, you have to step back!” someone told Top.

Yet, she still could feel his hand gripping hers.

“What’s happening? What’s wrong?”

The last coherent thought going through her mind was that Top had never sounded that panicked. 

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

He didn’t understand the entire medical jargon, he only understood that she had had some internal bleeding, and that they had had to take her to surgery. McG had gone with them, and Top had stayed in the empty room, the silence ringing in his ears while his heart was almost bursting out of his chest with dread. When Preach had come to find him still standing in the room, he hadn’t asked any question, he had just led Top to sit in a chair outside of the room.

“She’ll be fine”

It was impossible not to believe Preach, and Top had been grateful for his friend.

It had been a week since that day, and he still couldn’t sleep. They were back at the base, back to their routine, training while waiting for the next mission. Jaz was still recovering, but she was improving and had left the hospital with them two days ago. She had started laughing again, but he saw how she flinched with pain each time. She had started training, under McG supervision, which didn’t make her very happy since he was holding her back; telling her she needed more rest and she had to allow her body to heal properly.

Top had read the report. He knew what she had been through, what they had done to her, he also knew she hadn’t been…touched. Still, he couldn’t shake out of his mind the images of her in that van, almost unconscious and with so much blood on her white outfit.

He looked at the clock on his bedside. 3 AM. With a sigh, he stood and left his room. When he heard someone boxing, he knew it was her. He tried to be quiet when he saw her punching the punch bag, but she stopped and said, out of breath, turning to him with a grin.

“You really have to improve your ninja skills, Top!”

He couldn’t help but chuckle.

“You’re the only ninja here… No one would want to take that from you!”

She laughed and took off her boxing gloves to grab her bottle of water. She was drenched with sweat but looked relaxed, which eased up his mind. He sat on the couch facing her.

“So, you’re boxing behind McG’s back?”

She huffed and shrugged.

“He’s overprotecting me, I know my body, I can do more!” she said, staring at him as if daring him to argue with her.

Top raised his eyebrows.

“He could hear you…”

She rolled her eyes.

“Come on, with his snoring, he wouldn’t even hear a bombing!”

Top laughed at that. It was so good to have her back. They had come so close to losing her, too close. He never wanted to feel that helplessness ever.

She sat in the chair facing the couch, and frowned at him.

“Why are you up this early?”

Top smiled, dryly this time.

“Couldn’t sleep… Seems like I’m not the only one…”

They stared at each other. Her face was still bruised, but the fire was back in her eyes. She sighed and looked at her hands. Taking a deep breath, she hesitated, then talked.

“I keep… I keep hearing his voice…”

Top clenched his fists but said nothing. He wasn’t even sure to be able to say anything. The pain of what she had been through was unbearable.

“He showed me pictures… Of us, at the airport… He told me you were captured, all of you, and then… Then he showed me a picture of you Top, beaten to death… I thought… When he told me you all came to rescue me, I was terrified… Then I realized he was lying, and I was so relieved, I was ready to die…”

Top tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. She looked at him.

“You came for me…” she whispered.

“We don’t leave anyone behind”

His voice was hoarser than he expected.

“Why?”

“Jaz…”

“Why? I know the protocol, you should have left…”

She wasn’t angry, just confused. He didn’t know what to say… He didn’t even know how to process the way he felt about her.

“Look… Leaving you wasn’t an option… I can’t explain why, I just know it was out of question…”

Jaz kept looking at him, lost deep in thoughts. He waited for her to fight him on his answer, but she kept surprising him. She frowned, then she put her boxing gloves back and smiled.

“What would you say if I kicked your arse?”

Top laughed, grateful that she wasn’t insisting. There was still too much left unsaid, but it was neither the moment nor the place. They both knew it. He stood, smiling.

“You wish!”


	4. 1x05

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi  
> I'd like to thank each of you for the kuddos, and especially the two lovely people who left comments. Thank you so so much!  
> I keep crossing my fingers for more season, I miss this show like crazy!

Jaz looked around her, taking deep breaths, the salty wind making a few locks of hair flying around her face. The beach was empty, the sun hadn’t risen yet, it was very early in the morning. They had come back from Nigeria the day before and despite the exhaustion, she hadn’t slept well. The mission hadn’t be that hard really, they have been through far much more hell, but still, she couldn’t shake out of her mind the image of this little girl, a gun pointed at her head. 

After hours at tossing and turning in her bed, she had put her running shoes and had left the base.

She sat on the sand, which was cold from the night. It was bad enough that every day, innocents were targeted; they really hated it when kids were caught in an ugly situation. The truck exploding on the beach had been very hard for each of them. Kids shouldn’t be terrified for their life, they shouldn’t even think of how they could die. She had grown up knowing that life was a bitch and that her father torturing her was just the beginning of it. She hated the idea of other kids going through the same, or worse. And to see that little girl, to see the terror in her eyes, it had been too much.   
When the girl had hugged her, Jaz had been thrown by her spontaneity. She didn’t know how to react, she wasn’t used to hugs or any other displays of affection. With McG, Preach, and even Amir, it was safe. They didn’t hug, period. They bumped fists or shoulders, and that was it. With Top, it was a distant tenderness. He avoided any physical contact with anyone, but his eyes and his smile were enough to convert his feelings.

So, she had awkwardly put her arms around the small frame and had told the young girl how tough she was too. She had felt Top’s eyes on her, she hadn’t turned to him, he knew her, he probably knew how she felt better than she did, so she had kept her eyes on the little girl and her father. She had seen how the child had felt safe in the man’s arms and she had thought of her own father. She had felt anything but safe with this man, she still had scars to prove her point. It was odd to imagine that fathers could be loving, caring, protective. She knew of course that her father wasn’t the typical fatherhood model, but knowing it and KNOWING it were two different things. She thought about what Preach had told her and Top, before the mission. About finding love, and building a family. She had joked about it, but it had touched something inside her, something deeply buried under layers of pain, and sadness, and faithlessness. 

Like always, she could feel his eyes on her. When he sat next to her, she smiled. He laughed at her smug grin. She surely was almost a mutant with ninja super powers.

“Hey…”

“Hey…”

“Can’t sleep?”

“Not really…”

“You know the beach isn’t the best place to clear your head…”

He couldn’t hide his concern, but when she looked at him, he stopped her.

“I know it is actually, but since the truck attack, you can’t come here alone…”

“You’re here now.” she replied with a smile.

He looked at her, in this way that made her feel like her soul was bare to his eyes.

“You okay?”

Jaz shrugged.

“I’m fine…”

“Okay…”

They looked at the waves crashing on the shore for a few minutes. Silence was never a problem with Top, they could have stayed there for hours without talking and without feeling embarrassed by it. Words were not always necessary between them.

“You did well yesterday…”

She looked at him, raising her eyebrows. He laughed that light and carefree laugh he didn’t have often.

“Okay, you always do well… I was talking about the girl…”

Jaz chuckled darkly.

“Yeah, right. I, the snipper, didn’t even see a little girl running away…”

“Hey, you were not alone there, even her father didn’t see her… It’s not your fault, or anyone’s fault, save for the terrorist… You did well, you were great with her, you’re always good with children!”

“Come on, I didn’t even know how to hug her!”

He looked at her with a fondness that always made her heart flutter and her face stretch in a smile.

“But you did! Children always feel safe around you, why do you think they always want to be in your team when we play soccer?”

“Because I’m far better than you guys!” she replied with a laugh.

“And you don’t infantilize them, they love when adults talk to them like they are equals… “

“Yeah, well, I’m not sure it’s a good thing…”

“I’m sure it’s not a bad thing coming from you…”

They fell in a comfortable silence again. The sun was showing but none of them wanted to go back. Jaz was the one to break the silence this time.

“Do you think about all the things Preach was talking about? I mean, having a family of your own?”

Top chuckled but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. He shook his head.

“Preach has a way to mess with your mind… But to be honest, I don’t know, maybe one day…”

He glanced at her but advertised his eyes to watch the first rays of sun emerging from the sea.

“And you?”

Jaz shrugged and picked up a handful of sand. She looked at it slipping between her fingers. 

“No, not really… I mean, I don’t waste my time to think about the future… I’m a snipper, I could die tomorrow, so why should I ?”

She had already tried to imagine herself as a mother, and the only thing she had felt was panic. Not to mention that the kid in her imagination had stunning blue eyes, and that was something she certainly didn’t want to think about too much. 

She felt him tense and when he talked, his voice was strained. He was looking at her but she kept her eyes on the sand.

“We don’t do this job to die, we do it to prevent innocents from dying…”

“I’m not saying I want to die… But I’m aware that death is a part of the job… “

“Not if I can help it! I… We are a team, we have each other’s back… We can’t think like that!”

When she looked at him, she saw vulnerability and fear. It was brief; he composed himself and turned his eyes to the sea.

“You would be a wonderful mother…” he said softly without looking at her.

Jaz felt something warm spreading in her chest, something she only felt with him. But again, she shouldn’t think about it too much. He was her CO, and she had worked too hard to be in his team…

So she smiled and stood up.

“The last one in pays for McG’s lunch the next time we go out!”

They began to run, half laughing half sprinting. Preach was wrong sometimes. Not matter what happened, they would never be alone.


	5. 1x12

“What you doing up, Jaz? You can't sleep?”

“ Sorry, I thought I was being quiet.”

“You know, when you have three daughters like I do, you tend to be a pretty light sleeper.  
Got to be ready, willing, and able to slay monsters under the bed at the first creak of a floorboard.”

“What are you doing?”

“Making some of Grandma Carter's no-fail naptime tea.”

******

 

Jaz smiled doubtfully. It would take more than a tea to knock her down. She wasn’t really exhausted, it wasn’t as if she had been on full duty the last few days. She was forced to rest, under McG watchful eyes, and the stillness was driving her crazy. Usually, it was the exhaustion of a day filled with exercises that allowed her to sleep. Otherwise, nightmares were never far away. They had their share of horror, pain and grief with their job, and it had a cost. And after the whole Teheran situation, the nightmares were worse.  
She kept seeing that white walls when she closed her eyes. She could smell everything, the smell of her own blood, the sweat of the guard, the sickening perfume of Arthur. She could still feel his touch on her bare knee. She could still feel the fear in the pit of her stomach. 

She would never admit it, especially not to the shrink, but while they were cutting her like a piece of meat, despite her resolve not to tell a word, she had come to the point of questioning everything, every choice in her life that had led her to this pain. Should she have taken another path, should she have chosen another job? Was that worth being tortured? While crying with pain, her mind had been fighting the shame of such thoughts, by trying to focus on each member of her team. McG, who was her partner in crime, in the teasing and the joking around. Preach was the closest of a father she ever had, or maybe a big brother, older, wiser. A rock they all could rely on. Amir, who, behind his impassiveness, was the most generous soul she had ever met. And Top. She admired him, she was looking up to him, she trusted him. She couldn’t ignore the connection between them, hell even if they wanted to, Preach was there to remind it to them with his cryptic speeches. She couldn’t be obvious to the attraction sparkling between them every time no one was watching… Well, no one except Preach. She couldn’t admit the safety she felt anytime she paired with him, the fluttering in her chest every time they shared a moment.

Then, Arthur had showed her pictures of her guys. The picture of Top, bloody, beaten, dead, would haunt her for a lifetime. It was that picture that kept her awoken at night. It kept feeding every nightmare. In her nightmares, Arthur did bring her Top’s severed head. He tossed it on her lap and she started screaming, the still hot and sticky blood of Dalton on her.

It was always the same. And she always awoke drenched with sweat, with a scream stuck in her throat. Sometimes, it was the bodies, all of them, thrown in the white room, at her feet.

It made her realize how screwed she was. Terrified at the idea of losing them, of losing him.

“You know, there’s no shame in being afraid. In fact, not to be afraid in our job would be stupid and reckless.”

She looked at Preach, startled. Her mind had drifted off, she had almost forgotten his presence. And like often, he seemed to read in minds. He had come to sit next to her, waiting for the water to boil.

“Did you ever… “ She stopped, embarrassed, and looked at her hands. 

Preach waited patiently.

“Never mind…” she finally whispered.

He smiled sadly at her.

“Don’t dig up in doubt what you planted in faith, Elisabeth Elliot”

She couldn’t help but chuckle and roll her eyes.

“Come on, Preach, care to translate?”

“Doubt is normal, especially after what you’ve been through. Just don’t give it the power to break you…”

Her smile faded. She cleared her throat. It was hard to put into words the turmoil she was trying to process. His compassion was making things worse. It made her want to cry, but she refused to.

“I don’t know... You could have… You could all have been killed because of me… “

“Jaz, you have saved our sorry asses more times than I could remember, risking your own life…”

She shrugged.

“It's not the same…”

“You being isolated to have our back while no one has yours most of the time, is risking your life, and believe me, I’m not the only one to think so! We trust you, Jaz, you did nothing wrong…”

Except for missing a shot, leading to a giant mess.

“You… You came for me… And Hussein… He died… And… You came…”

She hadn’t meant for her voice to be that thick with emotion. She hadn’t thanked them, it just felt too awkward. She was grateful but she didn’t know how to express it, and she wasn’t even sure of how they would welcome any thanks.

Preach looked intently at her.

“We know the protocol. To be honest, we didn’t even know if we would find a way to get you out of there… But Top didn’t give up on you…”

She swallowed, hoping he wouldn’t see how his words were affecting her.

“He fought to get you back. I’ve known him for ten years, I’ve seen him go through a lot… But he had never been that desperate, that angry… While you were gone, he wouldn’t listen to anyone… He didn’t sleep, he didn’t eat… “

“He would have done the same for any of us…”

She wasn’t sure to be convincing. Or convinced.

“Yeah, sure… He would have fought for any of us, he would risk his life for us… But if we had lost you… We would have lost him too… Top is a complicated man, he has the thickest walls barricading his heart, maybe thicker than yours… He’s hard to get to know… But I know one thing. He was willing to risk everything, for you. I don’t blame him, I mostly agreed with him… My point is, don’t blame yourself. He’s grieving his friend, but believe me, as hard as it is, he doesn’t regret any of it, neither do we. You’re family Jaz, and probably more for some of us…”

She couldn’t look at him. She wasn’t ready for that conversation; she wasn’t ready to address that thing that was happening between her Co and herself. Elijah used to tease her about how close she was to their CO. “Don’t be ashamed for doing your Dalton eyes, he’s pretty much as screwed as you are!” he told her once. It was the day before he fell dead in her arms. She had thought about him, while they were torturing her. And it had killed her to realize that she had almost forgotten his face. She remembered little parts of it, the dimple that showed up anytime he talked about his fiancé back in Chicago. The scar, above his nose. But his face… She had wondered if the guys would also forget her face… Would Top forget her? 

“So, want to share your nightmare?”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She didn’t want to talk about it, words seemed to make nightmares more real. Saying it out loud would make her feel vulnerable, and she really couldn’t take more vulnerability for now.

Fortunately, the kettle whistled. Preach stood and smiled to her.

“Whenever you need to talk, you know where to find me…”

She nodded and relaxed while he turned to the kettle. She raised her eyebrows when he put a cup of tea in front of her.

“You wouldn’t want to disappoint Grandma Carter, would you?”

She laughed at that and took the cup between her hands.

“I would never… Thank you Preach…”

They both knew she wasn’t only thanking him for the tea.


	6. 1x13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam is struggling with grief and feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My english isn't perfect, but I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. Thank you so much to anyone who left comments and kudos

Dalton looked in the distance, taking a deep breath for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. He didn’t even know what time it was, it was still dark, and from the hospital rooftop, he could still watch the stars. 

Preach had been taken to surgery… McG had been allowed to follow him, but Amir, Jaz and himself had had to stay behind. Amir had gone to Patricia’s room, to watch after her. When Jaz had looked at him with a sad smile, he had felt remorse tugging at him. She had been worried sick when he had gone dark, he knew that. And he knew that if their role had been reversed, he would have been furious. He couldn’t even imagine how terrified he would have been if she had gone alone after Hoffman.   
But when he had come back, she had just looked at him in silence, without anger or judgment, just a deep understanding and compassion. She knew him, she knew that he had to do that, he had to go and kill the man who had turned their lives upside down. But she also knew how much he hated himself afterward. How much he despised his actions, how much he believed not to be worth anyone. So she had put a hand on his shoulder and had given him a light squeeze. Her eyes spoke volume, told him how much she had faith in him.

I understand, you did what had to be done, you’re a good man.

He had felt his throat tighten. They didn’t need words to communicate, it made them great partners. But it also made him confused and vulnerable. He hadn’t even realized how much she had gone through his walls right to his heart until he had found himself spilling his guts to her anytime they had a hard time. That had been new to him, sure Preach was his best friend, but he had known him for a decade, and even then, he didn’t feel the need to confide in him like he did in Jaz. There were many things he only felt for Jaz, and that was a line he had to keep himself from crossing. For her sake, more than for his. 

When she had fallen asleep curled up on a chair, he hadn’t been able to stop himself from pushing a lock of dark hair from her forehead. He could see how exhausted she was, there were dark circles under her eyes, and she was paler than usual. He had put his jacket over her and had found the stairs to go to the hospital roof. Stars had always been there for him, they had the power to calm him, since he was a lonely child hiding from an abusive father. Stars were shinning when his mother left, and when his baby sister died. He sighed and looked above him. He remembered that night in Spain, when Jaz had come to sit with him, he remembered her deep laugh, and how bright her big brown eyes had been. It had been a good night. The kind of night that left him wondering how it would be not to be alone anymore. How it would be to fall asleep and to wake up with her.

“Adam…”

He turned around, and once the surprise diffused, he chuckled darkly.

“You must be kidding…”

Xander came to stand next to him and smiled.

“I’m afraid not…”

Dalton shook his head and turned back to the stars. They remained silent for a while.

“How did you know I was up there?” Adam finally asked.

“Jaz told me… She awoke when I entered the room…”

“Of course she knows…” he whispered.

Of course she knew. Hoffman was dead, she knew he wouldn’t leave the hospital now, and she was right. And she knew how much he loved looking at the stars.

“She’s quite something…”

Dalton chuckled, and shook his head.

“That she is…”

“Your deployment had been rough…”

Dalton smiled bit it didn’t reach his eyes.

“It’s quite an understatement…”

It had begun with Eli’s death. He had had to watch his team mourn, he had had to watch Jaz crumble, he had had to keep them strong, he had had to pick up every single piece of Jaz to put her together. Because they couldn’t do it without her, he couldn’t do it without her, because losing her was out of question. Then, the bombing at the beach, Jaz’s capture, that still haunted his nightmares, and now… 

He knew the protocol, of course Xander would come. Their deployment was over, but they would be expected back in Turkey in three or four months, they had to be ready.

“Are you going back to Pennsylvania?”

“For now, I’m staying here… Then, I’ll see…”

If Preach woke up… When, not if, he corrected himself.

“How are you holding on?”

Dalton didn’t answer. How was he holding on? He wasn’t… He had just killed a man, without even blinking. He had let his dark side take over him, and worst of all, he didn’t even regret it. Hoffman was toxic; death was the only possible conclusion.

“What’s in your mind?”

He wasn’t sure how to answer that. His mind was a roller coaster of emotions. He was many things. Devastated for Preach, angry with this whole mess, disgusted with his own darkness, relieved to still have Jaz by his side, guilty for feeling relieved when his best friend was in trouble. 

“I’ve heard you killed Hoffman… I read the report…”

Dalton closed his eyes. 

“It’s my fault…” he said quietly.

“You’re not responsible for Hoffman’s actions…”

“I let my guard down…”

He had. Otherwise, why Hoffman would have come after Jaz, just to piss him off. He had seen through them, through him, he had seen the feelings himself hadn’t even been able to acknowledge. He had let a deadly dangerous man see his only weakness. His first thought had been to keep Jaz away from the criminal. Of course she was able to handle herself, but he was still processing what had happened in Iran, and he needed to keep her in his line of sight to stop himself from doing something stupid. She had said once that he was the first CO to see her like a soldier first, and he didn’t want to change that, he didn’t want to betray her trust. Of course, she was a soldier, but she was also something else, something he needed, something he was mesmerized by, something he couldn’t loose. So, he hadn’t let her watch Hoffman, pairing with her, pretending to need her for the job. And because of his selfishness, Preach, who had a family, children, was fighting for his life. He clenched his fists. 

“He knew too many things… I felt that something wasn’t right with this guy… He knew everything about us, he knew how to push our buttons… He knew everyone’s weak points…“

“Even yours?”

“He knew about my sister…” 

“And about feelings you’re not supposed to have?”

Dalton stilled and tensed. Was he that obvious? Xander patted him on his back.

“I know you, Adam. I know you do everything to keep things as normal as possible, but I know you. I know how much you care about your team, that’s what makes you one of the best CO I’ve ever seen. But I read what happened in Iran… To someone who doesn’t know you, you’re just an extra protective CO… But even if it’s true, and it is, I know you enough to say that this was more than being extra protective… And it’s okay.”

Except it wasn’t. His feelings could cost him his snipper. They wouldn’t go after him, they would move Jaz to another team, and the thought of having her in missions with someone else, someone who would probably despised her for being a woman, someone who wouldn’t care enough to stop her from being reckless… It was unbearable…

When Dalton didn’t answer, closing his eyes and breathing shakily, Xander kept talking.

“When sergeant Vallins died, I read the report of my colleague who came to clear you all for duty… Your feelings aren’t new, and it never stopped you from doing your duty… So it’s okay…”

“I’m not that sure… I shot a man… In Iran, I shot a man to find her… I would have done worse if needed… And now, I killed another man to protect my team… So, no, I’m not sure…”

“Do you remember what I told you? After Fallujah… Guilt is a reminder of how a good man you are… Bad guys don’t feel guilty when they kill innocents… You feel guilty when you kill bad people… That’s what makes you a good man…”

“I don’t regret it…”

“Because it had to be done. Guilt and regret are two different things “

“Top…”

They both turned around to find Jaz looking at them with tears in her eyes. Dalton felt his blood turn cold. But then, he saw her smile.

“McG had come back… Preach is still in coma… But he’s going to be okay… He’s going to make it, Top…”

Relief made his legs shaking when he walked to Jaz. But it didn’t stop him from reaching her and taking her in his arms. Taken aback, she didn’t react immediately. But when he felt her arms closing in his back, he closed his eyes. Maybe Xander was right. Maybe it was okay.


End file.
